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Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

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The Onion Brings you Today Now! Wake up with Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill, hosts of America’s favorite morning show, and learn why every morning is a good morning on Today Now!

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Today Now!

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Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates 00:03:05
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Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself 00:02:36
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Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet' 00:03:21
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Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman 00:02:35

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