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Shot on location in settings ranging from backyards and kitchens to parks and marinas, Cooking Solutions shows you, in easy step-by-step visuals, how to cook great tasting food. The show covers full recipe cooking as well as short "tips" on the preparation of meat, fish and sauces for easy, flavorful cooking. In the "on-the-road" segments, Chef John Engelhorn takes you into local markets and explains how to select the right cuts of meat, the freshest fish and the best vegetables for many different dishes. From "decks to docks," Cooking Solutions is a visual smorgasbord.

WEBISODES WILL BE UPDATED FREQUENTLY Cooking Solutions by Kenyon
An all-inclusive subscription feed for all of Zoom In Online's podcast series, offering exclusive access to the latest in creative culture, entertainment and technology. For more podcasts, videos and blog commentary surrounding the world of Film & Video, Music & Audio, Photography & Design and Web & Interactive, visit us online at www.zoom-in.com. Zoom In Online's Featured Podcasts
Directed towards the decorative painting and faux finishing community, this show brings you "how to's", information on products in the market place, and plenty of usefull tips and tricks. Board members of the Professional Decorative Painters Association, who are industry leaders, contribute to this podcast. Also, all PDPA members are encouraged to submit their own videos. For more information contact the PDPA at info@pdpa.org. The Professional Decorative Painter's Podcast
Vincent convie les gourmands dans sa cuisine pour les inspirer avec ses recettes faciles qui mettent l'eau à la bouche. Un chef décontracté qui a troqué sa toque pour partager le plaisir d'une bonne bouffe en toute amitié. Regarder c'est déjà goûter ! Le Casse croûte (Video)
This is the first in our exciting 'Insight Training Series' covering the key skills of Photography from concept to execution. This DVD film addresses the essential elements and asks you to look beyond the lens and pre-visualise images in your mind before pressing the shutter. Lots of expert and common sense hints & tips to help you develop quickly.

Special Offer 50% discount: Composition One – Back to Basics podcast series…
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We invite you to sit back and relax and, with Martins expert guidance, lead you through a short series of podcasts on composition basics.

Introduction, The Basics, Previsualisation: Imaging by design, Kit, Clothing, props & accessories, Location recce, Test Shots: Angles & distraction, Dissemination: Test Shots, Shoot 1: Props & posing, Dissemination: Colour & reparation, Shoot 2: Ripples & refraction, Dissemination: Positive & negative space, Shoot 3: Letting your shoot evolve, Dissemination: Unifying the elements, Shoot 4: Geometry, tones & texture, Dissemination: Composition in-camera, Shoot 5: Dynamics & shadow play, Dissemination: Isolating your subject, Shoot 6: Improvisation, Dissemination: Illumination, Preview, links & credits Composition One - Back to Basics
A Celebration of Women, the Sacred Feminine and the Right Brain
Guiding Women to their Strength as Leaders
Leading Men to Strength without Armor In Our Right Minds
Suivez nos tests et tutoriaux de produits et logiciels Mac et Design. PomGraphik | Studio
松島観光ホテル岬亭の提供でお送り致します。カクテルの種類、作り方（カクテルレシピ)は勿論のこと、お薦めのチーズ、ワイン等の情報をビデオポッドキャストでお送りします。著作制作：ディー・アンド・エルリサーチ株式会社。WWW.DANDL.CO.JP THE MIDNIGHT COCKTAIL／PODCASTLIFE
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Won't ya join me for a cold brew Friday's 5PM-ish. When ya crank all week, I like wrap it up with a cold one. Relax with a few friends, chat, and crack one open. Each week I'll try a new brew and let ya know what I think. Steve's Friday Brew
HOW TO: Record Drums is the premier training video podcast for getting the most out of your Drum Recordings. Geared toward the musician, hobbyist, and aspiring recording engineer---this series delivers concise info from the basics to more advanced tips, opinions, and techniques. Look for future HOW TOs featuring guest engineers presenting unique insights on how they get "THAT" sound. Rock on! For the full length tutorials including larger 16x9 screen sizes, added content, special features, and optional mobile phone feeds, check out the HOW TO: Record Drums -PREMIUM Bundles at www.tutotialdepot.com. HOW TO: Record Drums-TIPs

In the News, (Almost) Live on TV

Safety in Seattle News

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In these podcasts I focus on stories and other presentations. Women sharing their stories encourages and empowers other women to take action. All stories are true, though some details have been changed to preserve confidentiality

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Late yesterday afternoon I got a call from Gary Horcher, a TV reporter for KIRO 7. He was looking for a self-defense expert to talk about safety for women runners. Those of you living in Seattle probably have heard about the rash of assaults on women out running. About a half dozen or so in the last couple of months. So I met with him and his camera man, we taped a short interview, then they filmed a little of that evening's class. Thanks to all my students who tolerated it, and to their credit Gary and camera did a really good job at being relatively unobtrusive.So check out the story at http://www.kirotv.com/livestreamvideo/26692015/index.htmlAll my five week Self-Defense 101 classes for this winter have already commenced, but I do have another that will start March 22, a couple of one-day seminars on February 13 and March 20, a Teen Girls Only class on February 27, and a Self-Defense Weekend Workshop beginning Friday March 11.

In the News, (Almost) Live on TV
[NOTE: To listen to this podcast, download at this link: http://www.strategicliving.org/Sound_Safety_1-24-11.mp3] Today's topic is women who run. Not with wolves, nor with scissors, but who just plain run. Or jog, or speedwalk, or walk. Whatever. You're doing it OUT THERE.Because there's been a lot recently in the local media about women who've been assaulted while walking or jogging in some of Seattle's most popular parks. And I'm asked if women should even be out running about before dawn or after dark (for instance, you can listen to an interview I did on KOMO Radio on Dec 21, posted on both this blog and on my website, where the host felt that maybe women should not be out and about at those hours).I say it depends. I for one resent the idea that women are told that we have to severely limit activities because of a few creeps, and I do recognize that these creeps are out there looking for targets. This is a real and serious threat. Consider what you are willing to face and how you will reduce your risk. If you are ready to acknowledge that yes the lack of light plus fewer (if any) other people around do put you at higher risk, and you are willing to take that risk and be ready to fight back, then yeah go for it. Some ways you can reduce your risk of being targeted in the first place are to find a workout buddy or group (or start one yourself), or choose routes that are more likely to be visible and populated.And, speaking of running, I'm also often asked about listening to music. Now, listening to music on your mp3 while running does put you at higher risk, because you're seen as less aware of who's around you, and you know what, you probably are. So why do people still do it? Well, it's been shown over and over that music enhances your workout. It energizes you, it gets you into a groove, it makes you happier and you have a better workout. And, to be honest, if you went out running with your iPod, about 99.98% nothing bad will happen and you will return home safely. As an aside, that's a testament to the incredibly safe world we live in today. But that's a topic for another blog and podcast entry.I say if you are ready to acknowledge that yes the impairment of your hearing and hence attention to your environment puts you at higher risk, and you are willing to take that risk and be ready to fight back, then go for it. But consider what you willing to do to reduce your risk.For information on upcoming self-defense classes, visit Strategic Living Safety and Self-Defense Training.
< Running. Safety. Both.
In mid-December I offered a self-defense clinic for runners at Road Runner Sports at Greenlake. Lots of people participated (I was told that this was one of their best-attended clinics ever), and the organizer took this little video clip. WARNING: one instance of foul language happens!Road Runner Sports hosted this free clinic in light of the spate of recent assaults on women runners recently in some of Seattle's most popular parks.To learn and practice these skills and more, sign up for a self-defense class today.

Using Your Voice
I'm occasionally asked why rape is under-reported. Not asked very often, because most of us know without ever having to be explicitly told. Most of us recognize that rape victims, far more so than victims of any other crime, are made to bear a disproportionately large responsibility for their victimization.A recent article illustrates this: http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/12/28/bahamas.baseball.rape/index.html?iref=obinsite. Actually, it's not the article, it's the comments. A college baseball player is accused of rape. The article is pretty bare-bones. But the comments on the article tend toward the vitriolic side, against women who report rape. See, there's a vocal segment who feel that rape is an entitlement. Not that they'd actually phrase it that way, because rape is a crime. But what counts as rape?Or how about this article (http://detnews.com/article/20101110/METRO/11100371/Alleged-rape-victim--14--taunted--kills-self), where a high school freshman accused a popular senior of raping her. After the allegations because public and her identity revealed, other students in her school were polarized and she was subjected to verbal attacks. Apparently the possibility that the rest of the alleged perpetrator's life could be ruined (by his own actions no less) evoked more sympathy than anger at the possibility that he was a rapist. She killed herself. The county prosecutor initially decided to drop the sexual assault case because the one witness was gone, but since then another victim has come forward (http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpp/news/local/joe-tarnopolski-facing-new-allegations-20101111-wpms).Or this article in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/29/world/europe/29iht-letter29.html?_r=3&ref=julianpassange&pagewanted=all), where the author asked some of her friends (women in their 30s) if they thought the charges against WikiLeaks principal Julian Assange were rape. The responses were resoundingly no. One woman said that these charges "cheapen rape." Really? How?FYI, at least in Washington state, and probably most if not all states in the USA, having sex with someone without consent IS legally rape. That includes the victim having too much alcohol or drugs in their system to give consent. How about when they're sleeping -- where's the consent there? Or look at the reactions of many prominent personalities when Al Gore was implicated in sexual assault. Now I like polar bears and the polar ice caps as much as the next environmentalist, but to give their most celebrated proponent an a priori pass just because of who he is, well that's too much.Almost half of all women and girls who are raped either tell only one other person or nobody at all. Most rapists are someone the victim knows, often someone the victim (and their friends) like. And, judging by the way we treat victims, it can't be rape if that person is well-liked, right?It's not only the general populance that has issues with sexual assault victims. This recent article took a comprehensive look at how reported sexual assaults were handled by law enforcement, and found that the actual rate of false report of rape is much lower than that assumed by many people, particularly by law enforcement. This art Why Rape is Under-Reported: Reason #1
All women may be at risk of sexual assault, but risk is not evenly distributed across the ages. Younger women are at higher risk, with those ages 17-24 and in college at the peak of peril.Among the several reasons that younger women are at higher risk is that they are more often more trusting, and more easily misled. So when I read this article on why some* men in their late 30s/40s say they prefer to date younger women, the similarities were quite impressive. Each respondent phrased their answers more agreeably, but each one came down to "because younger women are easier to control."Some select quotes, and my interpretations:They don’t (yet) have a laundry list of what they want in a partner, in a career, in a life. . . . I think that kind of attitude appeals to thirty-something guys who want a relationship to really be on our terms.Interpretation: Because she doesn't have strong opinions of her own (or I can safely ignore them and she'll go along), I get to call the shots.They tend to be untainted by experiences that have hardened older women. Like when a woman’s been lied to a lot after years of dating, she always thinks you’re lying to her. And that’s a turnoff. Younger women are less cynical and that’s a big draw.Interpretation: I can get away with lying to her. She’s interested in the here and now, in going out, in having fun. It may sound like a cliché, but it’s reality. I’m not anti-marriage, I’m just anti-agenda.Interpretation: I'm not really anti-agenda, I'm for my own agenda and only my agenda.You can play ‘cruise director’—show her all your secret favorite places that she probably hasn’t experienced yet. They’re easier to impress and very willing to be escorted around.Interpretation: I get to call the shots.In short, it's all about the power.And that is the connection with sexual assault. I'm not asserting that the guys interviewed for this article are rapists, not at all. What I am saying is that there's a LOT of overlap in what these middle-aged men were looking for and what most serial acquaintance rapists are looking for. So if you are a young female, and find that you're attracting attention from somewhat older men who are happy to take control (however they care to phrase it), please give some thought to your own desires and plans (your "agenda"), and how you express them.Nobody will give you power and control over your own life. You just have to take it.These critical life lessons are covered in Self Defense 101 as well as the intensive Self Defense Weekend Workshop.*This definitely un-scientific survey reflects the views of only a small group of men specifically selected to make a point (and a pseudo-news story), and is not intended to make global assertions about Mankind.
It's All About Control. But You Already Knew That.
In light of recent attacks on women joggers, I was interviewed on KOMO Radio live! We aired Tuesday, December 21 at 12:46 in the afternoon, and you can listen to it here: http://www.StrategicLiving.org/Joanne_Factor_on_KOMO.mp3.One point of contention is whether women should be running in the early morning hours or in the evening, when it's dark outside. I say yes, many runners enjoy the calm and solitude at those times, or that's really the best time for them. I also say recognize that you are at higher risk for assault, so be prepared and aware. The bare minimum self defense skills you should know are (1) which are higher-value targets on an assailant's body (eyes, throat, groin, knees), and (2) use your voice LOUD (give direct commands, such as STOP! or LET GO! or BACK OFF!).To date, those women who have been assaulted succeeded in fending off the attacker. They fought back and used their voices. And prevailed. You can too. The next round of self defense classes will begin in about a month, see the schedule at http://www.StrategicLiving.org/classes.htm. And have a safe holiday shopping/jogging season!

On the Airwaves
Do you have a story to share? I've noticed some outstanding self-defense stories in the news lately. One was this 12 year old girl who heard a noise downstairs, went to investigate, and came face to face with a hooded intruder. Not only does she kick him in the crotch, after he runs she draws a sketch to make it easier for police to find the guy. Read the story at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1299920/Home-girl-foils-burglar-groin-kick-draws-police-picture-him.html.Then there's the 13 year old girl who fought off a guy with a knife! Read her story at http://www.thegrio.com/news/13-year-old-girl-fights-off-knife-wielding-attacker.php.And a third happened here in Seattle, when a woman jogging in Seward Park fought off an assailant. Read her story at http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2013154472_attack14m.html. This woman was reported to have said to her assailant, "not me, not here, not now." Many students in my recent classes read about this attack, and took this woman's mantra to heart. "Not me, not here, not now." The power of the story.Over twenty years ago women were dismayed to see virtually no self-defense success stories in the news. They reached out to the community -- posters, ad in papers and on campuses, word of mouth -- and were rewarded with an overwhelming abundance of first-hand reports of successful self-defense. The results became Her Wits About Her: Self-Defense Success Stories by Women, edited by Denise Caignon and Gail Groves, and is a classic in self-defense studies.An article in the current issue of the academic journal Violence Against Women explores the power of the successful self-defense story. Author Jill Cermele notes these critical benefits of telling women's self-defense stories.First, they are real examples of real women successfully defending themselves. When more of us know what other women have done successfully, we are more inclined to use resistance.Second, by telling successful resistance as an event that happened, rather than a non-event, we recognize that women have positively acted and DONE SOMETHING POWERFUL.[from Telling Our Stories: The Importance of Women's Narratives of Resistance, by Jill Cermele. Violence Against Women, 16(10): 1162-72, 2010, http://vaw.sagepub.com/content/16/10/1162. Please share! I've begun posting stories I find, or that others have found, on my Facebook page. If you come across any stories, please email them to me or post to my FB page. I can assure you that other self-defense instructors will re-share them. The more the word gets out, the safer we and our communities will become.
"Awareness" is a key component of self-defense, yet as a practice it is ill-defined. For many of my students, the line between color-coded anxiety and recognition of real risks is blurry at best. This is exacerbated by our media environment (where violence sells anxiety, and anxiety sells airtime, and airtime sells . . . ).Examples from my feline friends proffer useful guidance.Know where you are vulnerable.For example, I often shlep lots of stuff to my car. Hey, I teach self-defense classes, so I'm hauling kicking shields and handouts and mats and other bulky, unwieldy stuff. This is a vulnerable point for 2 reasons. One, my arms are usually full. Second, and more importantly, my mind is already occupied with how the heck I'm going to fit all this junk in my car (I can always drop stuff to free my hands, but it is takes more effort to drop stuff out of my head when surprised).Sokol, ever watchful, at repose.Enter Sokol, my cat. Sokol (also known as "stealth kitty") was brought into our home as a 14 month old feral. While she's adapted well to life as an indoor kitty, even after 7 years she hasn't lost her feral edge. She does not like being picked up or even petted (until she solicits attention). Lap cat? No way. Ever at rest, she's also alert to any and all new sounds. If I enter the room, she'll keep an eye on me until she's convinced that I'm not about to try to (gasp!) pick her up. If I'm in the room she wants to nap in, she'll keep an eye on me as she settles in.The key here is awareness at key points. Going back to loading my car, I know I have to leave Point A (my house, or the building where the class is held) and approach my car. I make it a point as I am leaving the building to scan the area. I'm looking for anyone who is paying attention to my activities. I get to my car. Before I unlock my car and open the trunk, I again scan the area. And if it takes more than a second or so to rearrange my baggage, I pause to scan again. And, if necessary, again.I have to say I've yet to encounter a scary person. However, I have encountered the first spring blooms on the wild roses, the emergence of the fall crocuses, and a hummingbird almost within arms' reach. These little happenstances round out life, and are constant reminders on why you want to stay safe. To be able to enjoy daily special moments, sans the trauma of a distressing surprise.
Self Defense Essentials I Learned from My Cat, Lesson #1
Today's beautiful sunny Seattle afternoon will, in a few short hours, give rise to little goblins and ghouls and ghosts shrieking and wailing. "Trick or treat!" is tonight's theme, but alas it will extend a few more days past tonight. Indeed, bigger goblins and ghouls and ghosts have been shrieking and wailing for months, hoping to scare you into voting their way just 2 days post-Halloween.Even though after Tuesday's elections all the campaigning ads will slither back into the crypts, their tricks will still linger in the air like the stench of sewage. While we all claim we hate those attack ad, fact is they work. Seems like no matter who you vote for, we are (again) facing the End of Civilization. If you want to check out how much truth, or lack thereof, is behind your favorite political messages, visit PolitiFact.com.A few weeks ago I was chatting with a marketing manager for one of America's largest retailers. Prior to that he'd been in marketing for one of the major TV broadcasting companies. He left because he was fed up with "the scare." As much as possible, news just had to be presented with maximal scare value. Even the weather had to be scary.A critical aspect of "the scare" is to present the event, but give you absolutely NO clue how to accurately assess or mitigate any risk you could face (other than stay at home and keep glued to your TV). (Strategic Living's Self-Defense 101 and Weekend Workshop classes cover these bases for your personal safety concerns.) One antidote: stop watching TV news. You'll not only feel safer over time, you'll be better at assessing real risks and engage in more enjoyable and productive activities. To help you, artist John Boak created these little posters that you can tape to your TV screen. Not only do they remind you to keep the TV off, they'll nicely obscure your view.Get your information from real life, not from entertainment.
Are You Scared Yet?
This security expert did, and boy it was a whopper. Security expert Michiel Oakes admitted killing Mark Stover. Oakes said that Stover was stalking his girlfriend and she was very afraid of Stover. This girlfriend, Linda Opdycke, was Stover's ex-wife. Oakes said he did it in self-defense. The jury wasn't convinced, and convicted Oakes of first-degree premeditated murder.For more backstory see this article on NPR, and this from The Seattle Times.For those of you who may be stalked in the future, here are 3 mistakes to avoid:No Documentation. According to this story, Oakes never reported any threats by Stover to the police. If you believe you're being stalked, get an evidence trail going, including what you've reported to police. A history that others can refer to really helps your believability. And maybe you can get some help!Going to Stalker's Home, Armed. If you go to your stalker's house wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying weapons, it will be hard to convince anyone except your mother that you acted in self-defense. (In fact, if I did that, my mother would probably be the first to turn me in for stupidity.)And Then Hiding the Body. Nothing screams guilt like a cover-up (whether or not that's accurate). Really, this is the stuff of bad TV and movies. Stalking is serious. I've had students in my self-defense classes who've been stalked, and even years later many have never regained their full peace of mind. If you are being stalked, or someone you know is being stalked, do report and report and report, keep documents and a diary and any phone messages, and let everyone in your circle know. Before you end up, losing, on center stage in a bad drama.
Sometimes Even the Experts Mess Up
Today's news resurrects a two decade-old sore, and NPR's Nina Totenberg called this incident "stranger than fiction."Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, confirmed that yes she did leave a message on Anita Hill's answering machine. In that message she asked Ms. Hill to consider offering an apology and full explanation for her testimony during Justice Thomas' confirmation hearings in 1991. In a subsequent statement to CNN, Ms. Thomas purported that her message was intended to offer an olive branch, and no offense was intended.Ms. Hill has reported that no apology will be offered any time soon.Read this CNN article for the backstory and current update.When you offer an "olive branch," the implication is that you want to make peace. If you want to make peace, there's been some conflict that you wish to resolve or at least mitigate. We can call that process "de-escalation."Now there are several general principles of de-escalation. One is that you do not insist that the other person is wrong. That would not serve to mitigate conflict, would it? In fact, it usually pisses the other party off. So much for striving for peace.So when Ms. Thomas then asked for an apology, she was not really offering an olive branch. Granted, and I'm going out on a limb here, it looks like Ms. Thomas believes that an injustice was done. Maybe she is looking for redress. Frankly, history may remember Justice Thomas more for Anita Hill's testimony than for any scholarly and enlightened opinions he's written from the bench, and maybe she's feeling aggrieved about it. Maybe she's fishing for political points (Ms. Thomas is the founder of Liberty Central, a conservative nonprofit lobbying group linked with the tea party).Whatever her reasoning, she should at least honestly name what she's doing as confrontation. (In my Beware Spectres Bearing Olive Branches
Today's Google Doodle commemorates the 388th birthday of French author Charles Perrault. He wrote (based on folk tales) some of today's widely-read, widely-watched, and widely-merchandised classic fairly tales, including Little Red Riding Hood. Today's versions of the tales, however, have been sanitized to make them more family-friendly (and marketable). As this article notes:"His version of Little Red Riding Hood, for example, made it more explicitly obvious that the 'wolf' is a man intent on preying on young girls who wander alone in woods."From this story one learns that children, especially young lasses, pretty, courteous and well-bred, do very wrong to listen to strangers, And it is not an unheard thing if the Wolf is thereby provided with his dinner," he wrote. "I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!"http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/google/google-doodle/12093512/Who-was-Charles-Perrault-Why-the-fairy-tales-you-know-may-not-be-as-they-seem.htmlSome things haven't changed much in the last 400 years. Most people still envision those who mean harm as looking like monsters. Pretty easy to spot, right?If all "bad guys" were this obvious, there wouldn't be as much of a problem evading them, right? But, alas, not all those who mean harm look like scary monsters. Most, in fact, look like regular people. Just like the three photos below, all of whom are Ted Bundy. (If you don't know about Ted Bundy by now, do a web search.) I could have told you the fellow depicted was an actor, a tech startup CEO, an attorney, or just any regular joe.You don't have to be a famous serial killer/rapist to get away with crimes. Most perpetrators are someone the target knows, and to some extent likes and trusts. That's a deliberate ploy. Most perpetrators depend on their targets' trust, and manipulate it to their advantage.And they rely on silence. Not only the silence of their victims, but silence of those around them. Silence of those who think they're a "nice guy." (Bundy got away with his crimes longer than he should have because he was well regarded by a number of influential people.) This is why we spend time in our self-defense classes learning to recognize the "red flags" that a person's intent may not be good for you. I've heard from some students, in retrospect, that this turned out to be the most valuable and useful part of class.Because not all monsters look like wolves. The "Gentle" Wolves
I'd have a few concerns. But I'm not a mom of a girl going away to school, I just teach personal safety skills to girls whose moms are concerned as their girls are growing into independence.Recent headlines tell us about a young man at one of America's elite prep schools who engaged in the school tradition of "senior salute." How that particular encounter turned into non-consensual sex and a rape charge. The young man was convicted by a jury of one count of using the internet to have sex with a child, and three counts of misdeameanor sexual assault and child endangerment. He was acquitted of the more serious charges of felony rape.According to CNN's legal analyst Sunny Hostin, "the jury did not appear to believe the former prep school student's claim that there was no intercourse, but it also seemed to dismiss his accuser's testimony that it was against her will." My focus, as a self-defense teacher, is less on the legal issues and more on what we're teaching girls, explicitly as well as implicitly.This article from the New York Times details the young woman's testimony. She describes a mixture of emotions during and after the assault -- of politeness and pain, then secrecy versus standing up for herself. “I didn’t want to come off as an inexperienced little girl,” she said. “I didn’t want him to laugh at me. I didn’t want to offend him.” Afterward, she said, she felt physical pain and utter confusion, and blamed herself for the events; it took several days for her to tell anyone, in full, what happened. “I feel like I had objected as much as I felt I could at the time. And other than that I felt so powerless,” she said, adding, “I was telling myself, ‘O.K., that was the right thing to do, you were being respectful.’ ”This girl's feelings of powerlessness are common among teens in this sort of situation. Girls encounter a host of contradictory messages. They should be polite, nice, and certainly not rude -- while at the same time keeping themselves safe.I believe respect is a very important social grace, and it should not trump safety. My concerns include:The jury's verdict indicates that many adults still don't believe girls could be telling the truth about rape. These jury members are also community members, and could very well be among those from whom a girl seeks advice and help.The girl not being aware of other tools at her disposal to discourage and perhaps prevent the rape.The girl's feelings of powerlessness over her own body. As noted sexual health educator Amy Lang says, she should be the boss of her body. Not only should any girl expect to have her "no" respected, she should have other options in case it is not. That's what I teach, and in self-defense classes we practice skills when unfortunately "no" isn't enough. If I Were the Mom of a Girl Going Away to School . . .
I'm not a football fan. But, because I'm not a supporter of domestic violence, I was glad to hear that both Seahawks coach Pete Carroll and manager John Schneider avowed they would never allow an abuser to play for them. Yet here we are today, being asked by the Seahawks' new draft pick, Frank Clark, to have faith in him.The selection of Clark as a Seahawks draft choice is dogged by charges that he struck his girlfriend, Diamond Hurt. They got into a fight in a hotel, someone called the police, the officer determined there had been some physical violence and was obliged to arrest Clark. Larry Stone's article in The Seattle Times lays out more of the evidence and issues, and you should take a look at that. One quote from Stone's article bears special notice. He cites John Schneider as saying, “I would say there are always two sides to a story. You have to go through the whole thing. You can’t just go with one police report. You have to talk to everybody involved. Everybody.” Stone also notes that they did not talk to Diamond Hurt. So much for everyone?[Update Tuesday May 5: A subsequent article in today's Seattle Times revealed that those Seahawk representatives charged with investigating this incident in fact did not talk to any witnesses, of which there were several. Except for Frank Clark.]That is not surprising, as another article noted that Hurt didn't want to press charges. She may have not wanted to harm Clark's nascent football career, especially in light of the Ray Rice publicity. A very common response in abusive relationships.Again, I don't know much about football. But I do know something about abusive relationships and why they exist. Abusers too often continue to abuse because they can. It is a learned behavior, it gets them what they want, and there are often few if any meaningful consequences for them. That's because often people around them make choices that help minimize and mask the "not-so-bad" behavior."Renowned psychologist Paul Ekman has written, in his book Telling Lies, that intelligent people can sometimes fail to see blatant untruths because they have a vested interest in believing the lie, in "collusively helping to maintain the lie, to avoid the terrible consequences of uncovering the lie." It can be easy to minimize abuse when the abuser is someone you like, or you think can perform well for your organization. It can be easy to minimize a police report when that certain someone has skills you want to exploit. Domestic violence is perpetuated not only by those doing the hitting, but by those with a vested interest in other aspects of the abusers' lives. By those well-meaning ancillary enablers who want to give some a second (or third? fourth? fifth?) chance, but up teaching that abusers can get away with a LOT of bad behavior before suffering serious consequences.We will probably never know for sure what happened that evening. In general, however, by the time a relationship gets to physical violence, there's been a lot of power and control and manipulation happening. And physical violence in a relationship, once it begins, happens again, and again. As a self-defense teacher, my suggestion to students is to recognize the relationship for what it is, and plan how to keep themselves safer. Going forward could be challenging. The first step I’d like to see is Carroll, Schneider, and the Seahawks as an organization express accountability for their decision to draft a player who, by witness accounts, did hit his then-girlfriend. I’d like to see them own up to not really interviewing “everybody.” Second, I’d like to see them discuss how to hold Clark accountable going forward. Finally, I’d like to see Clark take seriously being accountable for his behavior, which would involve being publicly honest about that evening’s events. Because, w Do You Have Faith in Frank, Pete, and John?
I resisted watching this video for a couple of months. Really, the first few moments of music made me want to hunker down with a glass of wine to go with the cheese. I caved in only because a class of high school girls wanted to dissect it. And, as I watched, the overly cute morphed into creepy.You may have seen it — this video was all over my Facebook feed earlier this year.“Slap Her.” The one in Italian with boys ages 7 to 11. An off-camera interviewer asks them a few preliminary questions, to prove they’re just regular joes (but smaller, and cute). Name and age. What do you want to be when you grow up, and why? (Firefighter, baker, pizza maker — because they want to help people, make messes, like pizza. Regular li’l joes.)Next they are introduced to a girl. Martina bounds into the frame. Taller than the boys, looking more like a tween than little girl, Martina may be 11 or 13 years old. A bit of makeup is balanced by the braces on her teeth. One more question is directed to the boys: What do you like about her? Various answers, all on appearance (well, they don’t know anything else about her since she hasn’t said or done anything, what else could they say? other than uhhhhh . . .). Her hands, eyes, shoes, hair, . . . everything. She is a pretty girl.Enough with the questions. On to commands. The voice behind the camera tells them to caress her. Then to make funny faces at her. The boys comply, with varying degrees of awkwardness.The final command: to slap her. The cheesy music stops. They boys look at the camera. They seem not sure they really heard correctly. They look at her, look at the camera, look at the camera some more. They refuse. And the cheesy music resumes, with the addition of a string orchestra swelling in the background.The boys give various reasons. Because we’re not supposed to hit girls (not even with a flower). Because she’s pretty. Because hitting is bad. Because Jesus said so. Because he’s against violence. Because he’s a man.Fade to text scrolling on the screen: In the kids’ world women don’t get hit.I really wanted to get sucked into the cuteness. But I could not, even when accompanied by a glass of red rhone. The “creepy” factor just overtook the “cute.” Let’s count the ways:Martina doesn’t talk. She giggles, behind her hand, at some point. She is portrayed more as a Disney automaton (an object) than a real person. Martina is an object labeled “girl.” The boys are asked what they like about her after having first met her. What can they say, really? Is the interviewer leading the boys to believe that the only parts worth assessing are what’s visible? That’s annoying.The really creepy part for me began when the interviewer told the boys to caress her. Huh? How about ASKING HER? With all the media coverage these past months about “consent,” this stands out in an out-of-touch way.So by the time it got to “slap her,” I was past annoyed. The cheese was spread thick, and no wine was cutting through that stinky layer.But we all know that in the real world, women and girls (and boys and men, and transgender and questioning) do get hit. Is the question we’re left to ponder how that happens? What transpires between the magic of childhood and the mundanity of adulthood to make violence okay? I think the structure of the video makes that clear: both boys and girls got pigeonholed in very hetero-normative boxes, where girls are pretty objects (for boys) and not to be hit, and boys are active agents. The whole point of learning self-defense skills is NOT to beat up others, nor to lock yourself in an apartment cell to keep harm at bay, nor even to set up invisible impenetrable boundaries. You learn You Can Dress Up Old Cheese, But It Still Stinks

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